


hiding true colors made you fall apart

by seungmin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, I promise, M/M, Minor Angst, Minor Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Lu Han, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Soulmate Color AU, brief mentions of severe dieting, happy ending!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 00:23:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11955825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungmin/pseuds/seungmin
Summary: pipe dream(/ˈpīp ˌdrēm/)nounan illusory, unattainable, fanciful hope or desire.synonyms:more than three hours of sleep, baekhyun and jongdae shutting up, getting a day off, jongin.(alternatively: kyungsoo isn’t allowing himself a soulmate and jongin’s just trying to understand why)





	hiding true colors made you fall apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yixingsaun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yixingsaun/gifts).



> thank u thank u thank u to the lovely mods of this exchange for everything they do!! thank u to young wild and fres™, for forever answering all of my stupid questions and to MOMsta x, who patiently went through and turned this mess into something better. what in soph (this character development!!) hell. also!! thanks again u two for supporting my attempts at writing something angsty-ish for once!!! it was a struggle. im probably going to be sticking to fluff for a while after this lmao
> 
> to the recipient: all of the prompts were so so good and i kept switching back and forth between them before finally settling on this one (at one point i was highkey tempted to try writing all of them, but im not actually that productive) i hope you enjoy what i came up with!!
> 
> p.s. i 100% screwed stuff up with the inner workings of the korean entertainment industry as i know little to nothing about it so pls bear with me.
> 
> title: dazzle by oh wonder

**_December 20th, 21:29:53  
somewhere in the streets of Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea_ **

It’d been a bad idea to come out tonight, but Kyungsoo wasn’t about to admit it anytime soon.

Admitting that his teeth were chattering due to the wind picking up and that he’d long since used up the last of his hot packs would mean admitting that Baekhyun was right, and Kyungsoo tried to avoid doing that as much as possible.

On cue, his phone buzzes, and he ignores it in favor of pulling at the strings of his hoodie. With any luck, Baekhyun will know to buzz off (ha. ha.) and leave him alone. Instead, his phone buzzes again insistently, and Kyungsoo grumbles at himself for expecting anything less before pulling it out.

Baekhyun’s agitated “Where the fuck are you?” is cut off abruptly by someone ramming headfirst into him and sending his phone flying through the air, which eventually lands with a sickening crunch next to the sidewalk curb.

Kyungsoo’s annoyed enough to risk recognition without his face mask and glares up at the person who’d crashed into him.

The person—he looks like a fucking kid—has clearly been clubbing, breath heavy with soju, eyes shining even in the dark of the night. Kyungsoo scowls. He’s not used to this.

“Watch where you’re fucking going,” he bites out, ready to tear into him, but then the kid’s looking down at him and Kyungsoo feels his stomach lurch in response.

It’s not that he’s horrible to look at or anything—a small, quiet part of Kyungsoo’s mind that he likes to squash into the corner of his conscience at all times tells him that the kid actually isn’t half-bad—it’s more of the way that his eyes are suddenly sharpening, adjusting to how the night, which had once been dull and bleak and _safe_ , is suddenly coming to life around him.

The lights of the city jump out at him first. He’d never known there could be so many tones, variations, shades of light. Every little change demands attention, from the way the sky shifts into an inky hue to the way the trees now stand in stark contrast against the sky. It’s mesmerizingly different, and as much as it scares him, it also amazes him. He’d been daydreams away from this when he was younger, the words _purple_ and _red_ and _green_ and _orange_ and _blue_ and _yellow_ floating through his mind in a haze. His parents had described it as magical, his teachers as life-changing, and a couple of his childhood friends who’d been lucky enough to experience it early had deemed it indescribable.

When it came to the numbers, though, it wasn’t as pretty.

On average, 4% of people found their soulmate before they turned eighteen. 23% found theirs before forty, and 38% before death. That left 35% of people who didn’t find their soulmate at all.

Kyungsoo swallows hard. His twenty-second birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. He lives in the heart of downtown Seoul, apartment wide and spacious but suffocating and empty. He is the current holder of seven Daesang awards after his debut four years ago, has been voted #1 ideal type by female idols two years in a row (beating out Jongdae, which had _not_ made him happy), and is not allowed to have a soulmate.

The percentages had felt heavy and bitter in Kyungsoo’s mouth before, when they’d first been drilled into him back in elementary school, but from his first days as a trainee he’d relished them.

Logically, there should be plenty of other idols who can see color. Kyungsoo’s definitely not the first, and he’s in no way the last either. The slight complication with that is the fact that Kyungsoo knows of very few idols who have publicly admitted that they could see color, and he knows of even less who have or currently actively associate with their soulmate and remain in the entertainment industry at the same time. He’s seen many, many trainees kicked to the curb once it was discovered that they could see color, careers ruined and dreams crushed in one fell sweep. In fact, one of the first details of the contract he’d signed with SM six years ago included that he was under no conditions to ever willingly initiate contact with his soulmate. If his soulmate initiated contact with him first, he would be required to cut them off immediately.

The kid—his _soulmate_ —still hasn’t moved, too busy looking around him with the same kind of amazement that Kyungsoo’s younger self once had. He lifts his hands up underneath the streetlight, grin breaking out across his face.

Kyungsoo allows himself to glance at the kid when he’s sure the other isn’t looking and fights down the mix of guilt and bitterness that’s threatening to consume him whole. He’s worked too hard and sacrificed too much to just throw it all away now.

“Listen,” he mutters, hand reaching out to pull on the kid’s arm. The way his eyes widen and his mouth drops open slightly tells Kyungsoo that he’s been recognized, and he hurries to continue before the kid can interrupt him. “I’m—” he falters for a moment, not sure how to explain all the reasons why this could never work in a couple of sentences. “I’m an idol,” he settles for finally, watching the other pull a hand back to brush his bangs to the side. Kyungsoo swallows hard. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I hope you understand.”

He steps back and turns, not trusting himself to look the other in the eye and still be able to walk away. A beat of silence tells him that the other is too startled to react, and Kyungsoo takes the chance to break into a sprint. By the time the other has finally found his voice again, Kyungsoo’s gone.

 

**_December 21st, 05:19:42  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-16 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

The smart thing to do would be to tell someone immediately. Luhan’s the obvious choice, since not only is he Kyungsoo’s manager, but he’s also the guy who Kyungsoo pretty much owes his life to. Plus, he’d be the one in charge of not letting this get out to the media and everything. On top of all that, he’s a good friend. Kyungsoo trusts him.

Unfortunately for Kyungsoo, he doesn’t get the opportunity to do that.

“There’s a fan out front,” Luhan murmurs to his left. Kyungsoo snorts and bats the monitor away.

“Stalker, you mean.” Kyungsoo’s busy trying to gain some semblance of being awake. He’s not a huge coffee person, but he has to admit that it does have its perks.

“He’s not.” Luhan shakes his head, peering closer at the screen. “I don’t remember seeing him before, and he’s clearly listening to all of the security guards.”

It’s then that Kyungsoo finally looks at where Luhan’s pointing, and proceeds to spit out his coffee.

Despite the shitty resolution and discoloration, Kyungsoo can clearly tell that it’s the kid from last night. He’s still wearing the same beanie, still wrapped up in a black coat and an oversized scarf. The sight makes him slightly sick.

Luhan’s already grabbed paper towels and is busy wiping up the mess when Kyungsoo feels like he can speak again.

“Security just texted me that the guy out front claims that he’s your soulmate. The fact that you haven’t immediately scoffed tells me that it’s true.” Luhan raises an eyebrow at him. “Care to explain that one to me?”

Kyungsoo swallows.

There’s no point in lying—Luhan might be overly fond of his cats and take knitting classes on the side, but Kyungsoo’s seen him take on someone who towered a good half foot over him. Needless to say, the guy didn’t bother him again.

“I only found out last night,” Kyungsoo starts, but quickly backtracks when he can tell that Luhan’s still unimpressed. “I should’ve told you immediately, I know. But it was a lot to take in. I’m sorry.”

Luhan manages to hold his stern expression for another few seconds before he cracks and settles for sighing, re-adjusting his snapback. “I mean, I’m not exactly surprised—”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to object, but then decides against it. The guy does have a point.

“—but I’m still disappointed.”

“Sorry.” Kyungsoo mumbles.

There’s a silence.

“So?” Luhan prompts, leaning closer to the monitor, “What’s the guy’s name?”

Kyungsoo blinks. “What?”

“The guy,” Luhan says slowly, “Soulmate.”

“Uh,” Kyungsoo manages.

“Please tell me you didn’t run off on him,” Luhan groans, and groans again when all that Kyungsoo offers him is a sheepish smile. “You really need to work on this kind of thing.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Shouldn’t you be telling me to pretend the guy doesn’t exist?”

Luhan considers that for a moment. “Speaking manager to artist, yeah, I should. You’d probably get your ass hauled to the company office for a meeting with the CEO, you’d need to sign an agreement of silence, and we’d probably need to track down your soulmate and make him sign something too. Or we could go with the other route and just terminate your contract permanently.” He ticks them off on his fingers absentmindedly before leaning in closer to the monitor. “But speaking Luhan to Kyungsoo, no. So did you get his name or what?”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says eloquently, and Luhan spins around in his chair to face him.

“You didn’t even get his name? This is a new level of low.” Luhan waggles a finger at him reproachfully (seriously, the guy’s like twenty-five) before leaning over to press the buzzer on the desk. “Hello? Yes, this is Luhan. Can you buzz the guy out front in?”

“What?” Kyungsoo hisses, pulling at Luhan’s arm. “Are you crazy?”

“He’s one of mine, don’t worry about it. Thanks!”

“Luhan,” Kyungsoo stresses, “the _fuck_ was that.”

Luhan glances at the clock. “My guess is that you have maybe three minutes before he’s in the room. We can probably tackle your face in that amount of time, and your outfit isn’t too bad.” He makes a face. “Your hair, on the other hand, is hopeless.”

Kyungsoo scowls. “I didn’t ask for this haircut.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Luhan says, waving it aside, and Kyungsoo grumbles but lets it go, vowing to ask Luhan about whatever the hell this is later.

Wait a second. Shouldn’t the kid have a hangover by now? From Kyungsoo’s memory, he was completely shit-faced, so there’s a high chance that he actually doesn’t remember what went down last night.

“Stay still, would you? I’m trying to help you make a better impression.”

Kyungsoo deflates instantly. Right. The kid told the security guards, who told Luhan, who is now forcing him into this ridiculous and completely uncalled for situation. Where are the good old days, when you told people to fuck off and they actually listened?

“Your visitor,” a gruff voice says, and Luhan hurries over to thank the security guards and lead the kid into the room.

“Hi! I’m Luhan. You are?”

“Jongin.” The kid mumbles it quietly, like he’s trying his best not to be heard. “Kim Jongin.”

Now that the sun’s started to come up, Kyungsoo gets a much better view of what this Jongin kid looks like. Sure, he’d already been able to tell that the kid was decent last night, but now he’s got more than just the streetlight glow to work from, and wow. Full lips, sharp jawline, tanned skin, messy hair. Kyungsoo swallows hard. Fuck.

Jongin still hasn’t looked in Kyungsoo’s direction yet, but seems perfectly happy with answering Luhan’s endless questions. Kyungsoo wants to tell him that he’s wasting his time, but he shuts up and instead listens to the kid talk about what his major is in university.

Luhan seems to be enjoying himself, chattering animatedly about this and that. He’s even broken out the tea cups, so Kyungsoo knows that they’re going to be here for a while.

“So, any thoughts on Kyungsoo?”

Jongin begins to respond with a reenactment of Kyungsoo’s episode with the coffee, but manages to choke it down at the last second.

“Um,” he stutters, and Kyungsoo’s tempted to roll his eyes.

“He’s not the easiest, I know,” Luhan reaches over to pat him sympathetically, and this time Kyungsoo doesn’t hold back the eye roll.

“He’s alright,” Jongin says carefully, glancing over at Kyungsoo for the first time this morning. Kyungsoo forces himself to breathe normally under the other’s gaze. “Interesting.”

Luhan snorts. “You could say that.”

“Okay, this is nice and all, but what the _fuck_ —” Luhan cuts him off with a glare, and Kyungsoo backs down immediately. “—can you just explain why you invited him here?”

“I was thinking.” Luhan starts off carefully, and Kyungsoo knows instantly that he’s not going to like what comes out of Luhan’s mouth next. The last time Luhan started a sentence with “I was thinking,” Kyungsoo had ended up with a wad of gum wrappers lodged in his ear. “You two should spend some time together? Get to know each other and everything.”

“Wait. What?” Kyungsoo cuts in then, because Luhan still hasn’t given him any kind of explanation for inviting a stranger into a company building, not to mention now trying to forcefully push him and said stranger together.

“I don’t want to pressure you into anything,” Luhan continues as if Kyungsoo hasn’t spoken at all. “It just seems like the right thing to do.”

Years of knowing Luhan have taught Kyungsoo what is a warning and what isn’t, so he swallows down his objections for later and tries his best to nod at Jongin. “Yeah,” he manages weakly, “what he said.”

Jongin still doesn’t look convinced, so Luhan rushes to say, “He’ll warm up eventually.”

Kyungsoo chooses to be very mature, very sophisticated, and settles for glaring at the top of Luhan’s head.

This time it’s Jongin’s turn to look unimpressed.

“Alright, whatever.” Luhan throws his hands up. “I tried my best. Can I see you tomorrow though?” He directs the last question at Jongin, who looks surprised but nods hesitantly.

“Wonderful, okay. It was nice meeting you!” Luhan calls as security escorts Jongin out, and sighs the moment the door shuts.

“You want to tell me why you’re being a bitch right now?” Luhan shoots at him, and Kyungsoo feels himself physically recoiling.

“I’m not being a bitch, I just want to know _why_ this is necessary. You know the protocol for soulmates! You should be—”

“I also know that the protocol is stupid and downright cruel! Fuck the contract.” Luhan cuts in, leaning in closer to glare at Kyungsoo. “This is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. Aren’t you even a little bit curious about what he’s like?” His voice turns soft, pleading, and Kyungsoo does his best to ignore it.

“No.” He states flatly.

“Not everyone gets that chance.” Luhan says, eyes downcast, and there’s a hint of something in his voice that tells Kyungsoo that this soulmate thing runs deeper than what Luhan’s saying.

He shifts around awkwardly, not knowing what to say to that. 

“Look,” Luhan sighs, pushing his bangs back, “let’s cut a deal. You talk to Jongin—actually talk to him—just once. You could talk about the weather, you could talk about your greatest fears, whatever. I don’t care. If you don’t want to do anything afterwards, that’s fine. I’ll drop it. I just want you to make an effort at least. 

“That doesn’t seem like a deal,” Kyungsoo mutters, but Luhan glares at him once more and he gives in. “Fine. Okay. I’ll talk to him once. But I’m not doing anything else after that.”

Luhan shrugs. “That’s all I’m asking for. Now,” he breaks out into a grin, “what do you say about finding Junmyeon and seeing who can stack the most pillows on his face without waking him up?”

(The answer is Luhan. Somehow that fucker manages to fit seven pillows before Junmyeon wakes up and starts threatening to shave Luhan’s head.)

 

**_December 22nd, 13:26:89  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-16 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

He does have to admit though, that being able to see color is nice.

He used to go to the library and check out heavy books bigger than his head about color theory back in first grade. He didn’t understand anything, but it was fun to read about saturation and tertiary colors and additive versus subtractive and know that there was a whole world out there that he’d get to experience when he was older. He read through books only serious art students considered, science and physics ones that talked about wavelengths and the ways the eyes adjusted to them using color receptor cells in the retina. He read books specifically on the science of soulmates, ones that talked about what would happen if one was colorblind, if one had synesthesia. He read theories on why the soulmate system was devised in the first place and how religion had incorporated the aspect of soulmates into their holy texts. He read romance novels about girls who looked into the eyes of lifeguards’ after nearly getting pulled out to the sea by riptides and how they knew immediately that the other was the one. He’s seen movies and television shows, read short stories and poems, listened to songs and podcasts, all attempting to describe the indescribable.

Pieces are clicking into place now, from finally understanding the line “roses are red, violets are blue” (although he looked up a picture of a violet and is pretty sure that violets _aren’t_ blue) to knowing why poets compare lips to roses, or eyes to the ocean.

He finds himself quickly adapting though, now able to see the blush of makeup on Jongdae’s or the flickering of the hallway lights. It makes him happier than he’d thought it would.

“Do you know where Luhan is?” he asks, poking his head into one of the dance studios. Jongdae’s sprawled out on the floor, Baekhyun winded with his hands on his knees behind him. Minseok is scrolling on his phone in the corner and looks up briefly at Kyungsoo’s voice, before blanching when they make eye contact and looking away. Kyungsoo frowns.

“We haven’t set foot outside this room today,” Baekhyun pants, flashing a wry smile at Kyungsoo. “You know how it is, with the comeback being so soon.”

Kyungsoo winces in sympathy. He’s definitely a lot luckier, since he doesn’t have to do as much dancing as those three do. But CBX has had fans ardently following them ever since their debut four years ago, and they’ve long since been releasing teasers of their newest MV on social media.

“I’m sorry guys.” Kyungsoo tries his best at an empathetic look. “I’d say that it’ll be over soon, except that it won’t. Um,” he stutters, trying to fix what he’d just said, “I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck.”

Jongdae laughs and gets up from his position on the floor, slinging an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “It’s good to know that you’re just as bad with words as you used to be. Don’t worry about us,” he says, rubbing Kyungsoo’s hair, “we’ll be fine. Don’t you need to go find Luhan anyway?”

“Right,” Kyungsoo nods, trying to pry himself from underneath Jongdae’s arm (when the hell did this guy get muscles?) “I need to go do that. Good luck!”

“Thanks!” The three of them chorus goodbyes from behind him, so Kyungsoo leaves and spends the rest of the night trying to hunt Luhan down.

(It turns out he’d fallen asleep curled up on a chair in the recording studio, that dork. Kyungsoo places a blanket over him and chooses to interrogate him about his meeting with Jongin some other time.)

 

**_December 23rd, 15:02:38  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-16 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Luhan’s saying when Kyungsoo walks in after lunch, “I’ve worked things through so that there’s going to be minimal security, and they’ll be staying somewhat of a distance away.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at that. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yup.” Luhan nods. “I’ve also given Jongin control over what you two are actually going to be doing, because if it was up to you, you wouldn’t even show up to the thing in the first place.”

“Thanks.” Kyungsoo says flatly.

Luhan shrugs. “You know it’s true.”

“When is it?”

Luhan flips through both the calendar on the desk and the one on his phone. “Christmas? Yeah. Think of it as a day off.”

“So the company says I’m not allowed to go back to Goyang to see my family, but they approved this?” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow.

“Some of them owed me favors.” Luhan says cryptically.

“Favors,” Kyungsoo echoes dryly. “You want to use those favors for this?”

Luhan responds by simply looking up at him, and Kyungsoo thinks he gets what Luhan’s trying to say.

“Thanks,” he says, and this time he means it.

 

**_December 25th, 09:27:61  
_** Hoho Myoll  
93-44 Sangsu-dong, Mapo-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

There’s a fucking mint blue Volkswagen inside.

Luhan had texted him earlier that this was apparently Jongin’s favorite café, and upon looking further, Kyungsoo can see why.

The place has a cluttered but homey feel about it, from the lights hanging low overhead, to the chairs that are all different from one another. A pennant banner flies low above the Volkswagen and in front of a tree, stretching from floor to ceiling. He can see notes pinned to the walls. Most of them are love notes, but he sees one saying _“I honestly don’t want to be here”_ that makes him laugh and silently agree.

Yifan’s long since been playing with the cat curled up in the corner (Kyungsoo’s pretty sure Luhan only hired Yifan because of the cat thing), so he settles for tugging his face mask up higher and waiting at a table towards the back.

Of course, Jongin’s late.

By the time the brunet runs through the door, Kyungsoo has already finished his first latte and is in the process of ordering his second one.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I swear I didn’t mean for it to happen but the subway broke down and they had to call maintenance so there were delays and it was generally just a mess I’m so sorry—” Jongin had all but run over to the back, frantically spilling apologies out until Kyungsoo was sure that the guy would forget how to breathe. It’s kind of funny, because Jongin’s treating this like it’s some kind of tragedy that he wasn’t on time for the session (is that what they’re calling it?). Sure, Kyungsoo had been stuck in the car for roughly two hours to get here, but it was a nice time to catch up on sleep, and he’s always been fond of Hongdae. He doesn’t really consider these sessions important in the first place.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Kyungsoo cuts in, raising an eyebrow at Jongin’s startled expression. “Stuff happens. It’s fine.”

“Oh.” Jongin slides into the seat across from him—is that a blush?—and smiles hesitantly at Kyungsoo.

Fuck. He’s screwing with Kyungsoo’s self-control.

“Listen,” Kyungsoo says quickly, before Jongin can do anything else that’ll make Kyungsoo feel guilty for what he’s about to say, “Can I be honest?”

Jongin nods slowly, in slight confusion, but he nods nonetheless, so Kyungsoo takes it as his cue to continue.

“Okay.” Kyungsoo takes a breath. “I’m only here because Luhan made me come.”

The look on Jongin’s face is almost enough for Kyungsoo to flinch. Yifan sends him a concerned glance, but quickly goes back to petting the cat.

“I’m sure you’re a nice person,” Kyungsoo tries again, “but I’m not really looking for anything right now.”

The silence is louder than Kyungsoo’s rapid heartbeat.

“No,” Jongin says slowly, like he’s never known the word before. “No. Fuck you.”

It’s Kyungsoo’s turn to be startled, eyes widening and jaw dropping, but Jongin isn’t done.

“I don’t care about whatever stupid idol standards you have to follow,” he spits out, gaining momentum as he goes on, “I’m not going to let you push me to the side like I don’t fucking exist if I have anything to say about it.”

“You don’t have anything to say about it,” Kyungsoo scowls, “you’re just some kid. Why should I listen to you?”

Jongin barrels on like he hasn’t heard Kyungsoo. “Do your fans know that you’re an asshole in real life? Do they know that you’re willing to take someone else’s feelings and completely disregard them for the sake of your career?”

Kyungsoo really does flinch this time.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Jongin continues hotly, “I wasn’t psyched about this arrangement either. So you can get off your fucking high horse.”

Silence falls between them again, and Kyungsoo clears his throat desperately to escape the suffocating feeling. People have started looking their way, and Kyungsoo hunches in on himself in an attempt to remain unknown.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he tries, but even without Jongin’s snort of disgust he can tell that it’s not adequate enough.

Kyungsoo breathes slowly. “Okay. It wasn’t fair of me to say any of those things.” 

“You can say that again.” Jongin mutters under his breath. Kyungsoo quells the small burst of anger that erupts within him and soldiers on.

“Can we try this again? A fresh start, of sorts?”

He does his best to not look pleading, but he can’t deny that Jongin’s eventual nod—however grudging—has him collapsing in relief.

“I’m Kyungsoo,” he says, stretching out a hand towards Jongin, “I sing sometimes.”

Jongin has that glint in his eye that tells Kyungsoo that he’s amused, so he takes it as a good sign.

“Kim Jongin.” Jongin reaches across and shakes Kyungsoo’s hand. It’s December and somehow Jongin’s hand is warm. “I draw sometimes.”

There’s another silence. At this rate, Kyungsoo’s pretty sure this meeting’s going to be more awkward than anything else.

But then Jongin flashes him a grin (albeit hesitantly) that Kyungsoo can’t say no to. 

“Want to get out of here?”

 

**_December 25th, 10:13:91  
somewhere in the streets of Hongdae, Seoul, South Korea_ **

Kyungsoo picks up a small glass vase, inspects it, then puts it down. He glances to his left, where Jongin is having an intense staring match with some stained glass wind chimes. He makes eye contact with Jongin, who mouths _I’m going to win_ at him. Kyungsoo does the mature thing and rolls his eyes back. Yifan watches this exchange with mild curiosity.

In the ten or so minutes that they’ve spent wandering around, Jongin has already managed to propose the challenge of finding the worst Christmas gift for the other, and Kyungsoo can’t back down from an invitation like that.

Yifan’s the unofficial judge, so Kyungsoo makes a mental note to not pick anything cat related.

He goes back to arranging the glass rings in order by size.

It’s a miracle that no one has recognized him yet, especially in a place as crowded as Hongdae. The trees are lined with lights, small Christmas trees greeting him from each open shop door. Streamers fly across the tops of shop signs. He counts a total of twenty-three—no, twenty-four—plastic stars that he can see from where he’s standing. By the time he turns back to the shelves of glassware, Jongin’s already moved on to the next shop.

Which reminds him. Jongin.

Kyungsoo’s not sure what to make of him.

He’d been so— _quiet_ —back when Luhan had forcibly marched him in, so hesitant and shy to say or do anything out of line. _Don’t judge a book by its cover,_ says a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Junmyeon (he really needs to stop spending so much time with that dork), but cliche aside, it’s true. Apparently the shy little kid has some attitude to back it up.

“Why are you so slow?” Jongin complains, poking his head around the doorway.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and rushes to catch up for lack of a better response.

The thing is, Kyungsoo knows that he’d been a bit of a jerk at first. He can’t help it—it’s practically an automatic reaction at this point, especially given what he’d undergone as a trainee. Jongin hadn’t really left him with a choice either way. The fear still gnaws away at him, still lurks underneath all of his hesitancy and nerves to be out in public, to be seen with someone else. He doesn’t want to drag Jongin into his life. _But Jongin basically clawed his way into it,_ his mind reasons, and he has to concede that point. It’s hard to remember the lectures he’d gotten during his first day as a trainee that spelled out in shockingly specific detail what would happen if he didn’t abide by the standard protocol, especially when Jongin’s eyes crinkle into a smile or when he starts shaking with silent laughter. He has a certain kind of camaraderie about him that makes it easy for Kyungsoo to let go.

It’s kind of addicting.

 

**_December 25th, 16:47:29  
somewhere in the streets of Hongdae, Seoul, South Korea_ **

Jongin wins. 

He manages to produce a waterproof sponge, which leaves Yifan inspecting it in awe. “It’s like they just laminated it!”

Kyungsoo can’t help but agree. There has to be some kind of irony in that: to ruin the one purpose an object has.

His own offering, an ugly porcelain dog figurine, is deemed unacceptable by Jongin, whose family apparently has three dogs.

“Do you have siblings too?” Kyungsoo asks in slight horror.

“Two older sisters.” Jongin cocks his head to the side. “ But I like the dogs better.”

“Duly noted,” Kyungsoo says, and reminds himself to ask more about people’s animal preferences. He should’ve learnt his lesson with Luhan.

“So, I get a prize.” Jongin declares. Kyungsoo balks at him.

“What? That was never part of the agreement.”

“It is now.” Jongin says firmly. “Right Yifan?”

Yifan, still clutching the waterproof sponge, nods enthusiastically. 

Betrayed by his own security guard.

Kyungsoo crosses his arms. “What do you want?”

“A stuffed animal,” Jongin says, pointing in the direction of the Build A Bear Workshop pop-up, “like that one over there.”

Kyungsoo groans. “Seriously? You don’t want food or anything?”

Jongin’s eyes go wide, considering. “I mean, some fried chicken would be nice, but we don’t usually have a Build A Bear shop in Korea. The closest one is in Thailand.”

“You’re so childish,” Kyungsoo says exasperatedly, but Jongin’s already headed in the direction of the store, so Kyungsoo does his best to follow him.

The first thing he notices when he steps inside are the lights. It’s like the fucking sun. How is everyone not wearing sunglasses in here? He whips out his own pair and puts them on ( _not_ because of the idol stereotype, goddamn it Jongdae) to prevent recognition. There’s a lot more children in here and that means a higher chance of someone knowing who he is.

He watches Jongin go through the process excitedly, stuffing the small heart into the bear with a smile.

“Is this for your girlfriend?” The cashier asks Jongin, and Kyungsoo has to do his best to not laugh and draw attention to himself.

“Just a friend,” Jongin chokes out. The cashier smiles in sympathy and pats Jongin’s arm, saying, “Good luck man. I’m sure she’ll love what you picked out.”

This time Kyungsoo really does laugh.

By the time they leave the store, the Christmas lights are in the process of being lit up, and they take a moment in front of the store to watch the lights flicker on one by one.

“I had fun,” Kyungsoo feels compelled to say, glancing at the ground to avoid Jongin’s eyes.

“Me too.” Jongin says quietly, and that’s the last word Kyungsoo gets out of him before Yifan’s telling him that they need to go because Luhan’s getting worried.

Kyungsoo turns around and sees Jongin illuminated by the light for one moment—brown hair glinting gold and coat collar tucked down—before he’s swallowed up by the crowd. The next time Kyungsoo looks, Jongin’s gone.

 

**_December 25th, 20:57:33  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-16 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

“How was it?” Luhan asks him quietly, coming in with a cup of tea for his throat. Kyungsoo takes it with a grateful nod.

“Okay.” He says.

“Really?” Luhan says, looking at him suspiciously. “I don’t remember this being the same Do Kyungsoo I sent out to the car this morning.”

Kyungsoo snorts and hits Luhan’s arm lightly. Judging by Luhan’s wince though, he may have underestimated that punch. “You’re not funny.”

Luhan grins anyway. “I know, but I’m still glad that it went well.”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo clears his throat. “It did. Thank you.”

“You think you’ll see him again?” Luhan asks, smile gone.

Kyungsoo looks away. “I don’t know yet.”

 

**_December 25th, 02:34:91  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-16 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

Seoul feels louder than he can remember. The moon casts a purple shadow onto the wall across from him, and he spends too long trying to find and label each little change his room has undergone. Color is still somewhat foreign to him, with each tint and shade that transforms before his eyes.

Jongin’s the other reason he can’t fall asleep.

Luhan isn’t stupid. He knows what Jongin means for Kyungsoo’s career. He’s been in the industry long enough to see it happen. But he’d been strangely lenient from the day Jongin appeared on the monitor, somehow able to disregard all of the immediate red flags. It’d probably have an effect on Luhan’s own career as well, now that Kyungsoo thinks about it. No company would hire a manager who not only encouraged but also instigated a meeting between an idol and their soulmate. Why is Jongin the exception?

Kyungsoo scoffs and turns over in bed. He doesn’t know why Luhan’s being the way he is, or why he himself was dumb enough to listen to him. He’d originally auditioned with Baekhyun and Jongdae; the three of them had gone through the trainee period together. It’d been hell from the start, watching girls get kicked out because they hadn’t lost enough weight that day, or guys end up on the curb because they screwed up a few too many dances. He’s seen people enter and exit the front door for good too many times by now. He hadn’t learnt anyone’s names—there was no point when they’d be gone within a week anyway.

Sure, the industry’s fucked up and everyone’s bones are close to snapping, but he’s clung for too long to this that he doesn’t know how else to live. Jongin isn’t supposed to be the variable that makes Kyungsoo want to throw that all away.

He has a hard time sleeping that night.

 

**_December 26th, 08:37:24  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

“Where were you yesterday?” Baekhyun asks, passing by where Kyungsoo’s sitting hunched with his ramen.

The question doesn’t register in his mind until he’s mid-slurp, and he hastens to swallow quickly.

“Out.” He says shortly, and cringes internally.

“Out,” Baekhyun drawls, passing the word through his mouth lazily. “Anywhere in particular?”

Shit. Baekhyun’s going to see through any lie Kyungsoo tries to tell.

“Vocal lessons,” comes another voice from his right, and Kyungsoo allows himself a slight sigh of relief. “SMCon’s coming up soon, but. You already know that.”

Baekhyun looks back and forth between Kyungsoo and Luhan. “He spent the whole day at vocal lessons?”

Luhan shrugs. “His solo stage’s supposed to last a little over an hour.”

Kyungsoo turns around to stare at Luhan.

“I have a solo stage that’s over an hour?” Kyungsoo says, voice dry.

“That’s what I was going to talk to you about.” Luhan pulls out the schedule. “They want you to sing all of your title songs, starting from your debut. And,” Luhan flips the page, “you’re scheduled for a collaboration with CBX.”

“That’s not a solo stage, that’s a concert.” Baekhyun’s eyes widen in slight terror. “Oh god, I am so sorry.”

Kyungsoo’s throat feels hollow. “Are you kidding me?”

“Wish I was.” Luhan grimaces. “It’s the tenth SMCon, so they’re pulling out all the stops. You in the mood for a dance lesson with Yixing?”

“I don’t really have a choice,” Kyungsoo says, raising an eyebrow in amusement.

“True.” Luhan shrugs. “By the way, Baekhyun, Junmyeon just texted me that you guys have the dance lesson as well.”

Baekhyun groans, and Kyungsoo agrees internally. “Again? That asshole.”

Luhan rolls his eyes with a slight grin. Everyone knows Baekhyun doesn’t mean it—Junmyeon’s practically a saint for even trying to manage CBX. Luhan’s probably glad he transferred over as Kyungsoo’s manager.

“I’ll be there in five minutes.” Baekhyun says, pulling out his phone. “Minseok’s ready, but I need to go drag Jongdae’s ass from bed.”

“He’s still not up?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You tell him he has five minutes, he takes ten.” By the time he makes it to the door, he’s still muttering about Jongdae’s sleeping habits. 

“Also,” Luhan says, lowering his voice, “I gave your number to Jongin. You guys can take it from here.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “We’re in charge now?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to be like,” Luhan makes a vague hand gesture, “your mom or something.”

“I don’t really—” Kyungsoo stops, clears his throat, and tries again. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep going with this.”

Luhan’s silent for a couple of beats. Kyungsoo drums his fingers on the tabletop between them.

“What are you so afraid of?” Luhan asks softly, voice quiet in the hush of the room.

“I’m not afraid,” Kyungsoo frowns, eyebrows furrowed. “I just don’t think it’s worth risking my career for him. This. I don’t know.”

“Oh,” Luhan says, barely an exhale of breath. Something in his voice catches and makes Kyungsoo look at him again.

“Are you okay?”

Luhan swallows and tries to grin at him. “I’m fine, you just reminded me of something.”

“I did?” Kyungsoo cocks his head slightly.

“It’s not important,” Luhan says quickly, shaking his head in an effort to reposition his bangs. “I mean, if you really don’t want to do this you’d have to talk to Jongin first and work things through but,” he clears his throat, “I think you should.”

Kyungsoo frowns, still unsettled by Luhan’s dodge of whatever subject Kyungsoo had gotten too close to, but forces himself to focus on the other issue. “But you’d have to deal with the consequences too, if this ever gets out. Aren’t you worried?”

“No.” Luhan’s voice is firm this time, instead of trembling like it had before. “There are so many things more important in life than your career. Plus, I don’t think Jongin’s going to like your change of mind either.”

“How do you know about that?” Kyungsoo asks, leaning forward slightly. “Did you ask Yifan?”

Luhan snorts. “Yifan was too busy trying to convince me that we need a cat around here to tell me anything. Actually, it was Jongin who told me.”

Kyungsoo feels his eyes widen. “Jongin told you? How?”

“I gave him my number the last time.” Luhan shrugs. “He’s a nice guy. Funny too.”

“You texted him?” Kyungsoo says, voice sharp with disbelief.

“Technically, he texted me first.” Luhan takes another look at Kyungsoo’s face and rolls his eyes. “We talked a lot more about his dogs than about you, trust me.”

Before Kyungsoo gets the chance to reply, Jongdae bursts into the room. “There you are! Can you hurry up already? Baekhyun’s threatening to throw all your pots out the window if you don’t get your ass to the dance room in like,” Jongdae glances at his phone, “one minute. I wouldn’t mind, since he’s not threatening to throw away any of _my_ stuff, but you’re the one who cooks for us, so we kind of do need those pots.” He wrinkles his nose. “Junmyeon can’t make shit.”

Kyungsoo glances at Luhan, who shrugs by way of answer. “I mean, those pots were expensive.”

“Oh my god,” Kyungsoo says, rolling his eyes and slamming the door shut on Luhan’s laughter.

 

**_December 27th, 01:48:35  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

Kyungsoo barely manages to fumble for his phone, the buzzing sound jolting him out of falling asleep in the shower. Common sense tells him to turn off the shower first _before_ reaching for his phone, so he thanks his last remnants of sanity and searches blindly for the shower handle.

It takes a bit of work, but eventually Kyungsoo manages to swipe left on a recent text.

 _from: unknown number_  
you want to stop?

He pauses, brain instantly alert.

_to: unknown number_  
why are you still up? 

_from: unknown number_  
i could ask you the same thing

_to: unknown number_  
im an idol  
dance practice always runs late  
which reminds me  
im an idol  
of course i want to stop 

_from: unknown number_  
are we going to have this conversation again?

_to: unknown number_  
um yes  
im sorry but  
im not going to throw my career away for you 

_from: unknown number_  
im not asking you to do that!  
i literally just want a chance

_to: unknown number_  
at what?  
it’s in my contract that i can’t have anything to do with you  
also, i’ve been awful to you  
why the fuck would you want anything? 

_from: unknown number_  
because maybe in your fucked up world you don’t have feelings,  
but i do! sue me for wanting something!

Kyungsoo’s fingers halt mid-reply, towel slipping slightly in the process.

_to: unknown number_  
you want something? 

_from: unknown number_  
fuck off that’s not the point

_to: unknown number_  
i can’t give you anything  
it’s in my contract 

_from: unknown number_  
i know! i know it’s in your fucking contract  
you don’t have to shove it in my face

_to: unknown number_  
i wasn’t fucking shoving  
whatever  
why is this so important to you anyway? 

_from: unknown number_  
well when you grow up surrounded by all the stories  
you kind of start wanting your own

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at that. Fuck. His mind conjures images of little Jongin lying on the floor surrounded by books, feet swinging idly back and forth as dirty hands turn pages. It’s too similar to Kyungsoo’s own childhood.

_to: unknown number_  
im sorry 

**_January 22nd, 18:27:65_  
**  
SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea

“If I have to listen to this song one more time, I’ll scream.” Jongdae huffs, grabbing the nearest water bottle and chugging its contents.

“Fucking retweet.” Baekhyun mumbles behind him.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “You guys scream on a daily basis already.”

“We can take a ten minute break for now?” Yixing offers, smiling in sympathy at them. Of course, Yixing isn’t sweaty or tired at all.

“That’s good,” Minseok sighs, dabbing at his forehead with a towel repeatedly. Luhan hands him another one once the previous towel gets soaked through, and Minseok smiles hesitantly up at him. Kyungsoo frowns. Minseok’s always acted slightly on edge whenever he or Luhan are in the room, but every time Kyungsoo asks him, Minseok always brushes it off as lack of sleep.

“Only a couple more days left!” Junmyeon cheers from the corner. Baekhyun turns and flips him off in response.

“We still have rehearsals.” Jongdae grimaces. “And then comes the actual thing.”

“Fucking SMCon.” Baekhyun mutters.

SMCon is exactly what it seems. All of SM’s artists get together and perform, then host fan meetings afterwards. It happens only once a year, but the months leading up to it have been cheerfully dubbed SMHell.

And for fair reason too—Kyungsoo can’t count the number of dance lessons he’s been subjected to in the past couple of weeks.

 _from: luhan_  
by the way  
how did the whole thing with jongin work out?

Kyungsoo glances in Luhan’s direction, watching him innocently scroll through his phone in the corner.

_to: luhan_  
he hasn’t said anything 

_from: luhan_  
i was under the impression that he isn’t someone who gives up easily?

_to: luhan_  
i’ll ask him about it later 

_from: luhan_  
will you really?

 

**_January 22nd, 23:01:68  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

Later that night, Kyungsoo deletes Jongin’s messages from his phone.

 

**_January 31st, 06:12:94  
_** Olympic Gymnastics Arena  
424 Olympic-ro, Bangi-dong, Songpa-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

Kyungsoo takes another sip from his water bottle before picking up the pen again.

The fan meeting’s only just started, and he can already feel himself getting worn out. The dance showcase had completely killed any energy he thought he had that day.

Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Minseok sit to his left, smiling brightly. How do they manage to do it?

“I can whisk you out for a break in another ten minutes or so?” Luhan murmurs under his breath when he reaches to collect the letters on the table, and Kyungsoo flashes him a grateful smile in response.

Something hits the back of his head and ricochets off. Kyungsoo turns to see Jongdae holding a toy gun that a fan had just given him, smiling not-so apologetically.

“Oops?”

Kyungsoo reaches across the table and grabs the toy gun from Baekhyun’s hand, ignoring his irritated shout. 

“You’re on,” he grins, firing a quick succession of foam bullets to the sound of clicking cameras. He turns to smile at one, having run out of ammunition, only to have his gaze drawn to the left instead when he sees a familiar face.

Jongin’s staring back at him in mute horror, tugging desperately on the sleeve of one of his friends.

“What’s your deal?” said friend asks, pulling his arm out of Jongin’s reach. “We’ve been waiting in this line for hours, and Zitao promised to take us all out if we waited with him. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to just pass up free dinner.”

Luhan rushes over then, placing the sign down on the table that signifies a break. The fans groan in response, and Kyungsoo does his best to smile somewhat apologetically.

“Go talk to him.” Luhan whispers in his ear, “You didn’t listen that day, did you?”

Damn Luhan and his instincts.

“I can’t,” Kyungsoo tries to say, but Luhan’s throwing him a look over his shoulder and Kyungsoo knows better than to say anything else.

He disappears into the back room and waits for Jongin. It only takes a couple of minutes.

“Why are you here?” Jongin manages once he pulls off his hood, Luhan clearly having smuggled him in.

Kyungsoo splutters. “My label is SM! Why wouldn’t I be here? That’s not the point. Why are _you_ here?”

“Zitao made us!” Jongin exclaims, eyes widening. “You think I want to be here?”

“Why the fuck can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Believe me, I’m fucking trying to!” Jongin throws his hands up in exasperation. “I didn’t know!”

“Then why did you come?” Kyungsoo bursts out. “How do you not know that I’m from SM?”

“I’m sorry,” Jongin starts, “this might be news to you, but not everyone in the world knows or cares about who you are! Zitao came for CBX!”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’m sorry. I overreacted.”

Jongin opens his mouth, probably ready with some witty comeback, but Kyungsoo beats him to it. 

“We’ve already established that you want something, but that I don’t—can’t—want it. So I think the best course of action now is to just avoid each other.”

Jongin stiffens. “You’re going to pretend I don’t exist for the rest of your life?”

Kyungsoo winces. “Well, essentially, yes.”

“That’s ridiculous and you know it.” Jongin says, crossing his arms. “It’s a dick move too, but I mean, it’s you. That’s to be expected.”

Kyungsoo exhales. “Look—”

“I just don’t understand how you can throw everything away for your job.” Jongin says quietly, hunching in on himself. “I mean, I can’t fault you for it, because it’s good, I guess, that you’ve found something you like that much. It’s just—I don’t know. Not human. You’re clearly attached to what you’ve got right now, but you don’t seem happy about it.”

Kyungsoo feels himself stumble backwards at that, mainly because Jongin’s got it. Somehow, despite the fact that they haven’t seen each other in over a month, that they’ve known each other for less than three months and talked for less than two days, Jongin understands.

Kyungsoo can feel himself smiling bitterly. He supposes that this is what it’s like to have a soulmate.

“I’ll go now.” Jongin says, hand already reaching for the doorknob. “It was nice knowing you, I guess.”

“Your friend likes CBX?” he cuts in, Jongin pausing on his way out. He nods hesitantly in response, so Kyungsoo takes that as a good sign and decides to keep going.

“Does he know that it was originally going to be CBD?”

Kyungsoo watches realization flash across Jongin’s face, eyes widening in disbelief.

“You were going to—”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo nods in confirmation. “Me, Baekhyun, and Jongdae. We were supposed to be the new SHINee.”

“Oh.” Jongin clears his throat. “If you don’t mind me asking, um. What happened?”

“It’s a long story.” Kyungsoo smiles tightly at the ground, and when Jongin offers no further response, Kyungsoo launches into it.

“We’ve known each other since we were kids. They’d always wanted to be idols, despite the fact that everyone told them they were crazy for it. They’ve always dreamt big.” Kyungsoo coughs. “I came along to their audition because, well. Wherever they went, I went. I wasn’t planning on auditioning myself, but someone caught me running through Baekhyun’s song with him, and they offered me a slot, so I took it.” He shrugs. “It all just went from there.”

“You never wanted to be an idol?” Jongin asks, voice hushed.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I turned out to be decent at singing and I was going to have Baekhyun and Jongdae with me, so I figured it couldn’t be all that bad.” He laughs. “That was a lie. It was awful. All the nightmares you’ve ever heard about the industry—they’re probably true. Jongdae once snapped his wrist while dancing because his bones were so weak. The company let him gain five pounds as compensation.”

Jongin doesn’t look at him, doesn’t make a sound.

“But I made it through. I made a promise to myself every night that I’d make it out of this fucked up place, even if it killed me.” Kyungsoo shrugs. “I didn’t know what else to do. And then suddenly there was talk of a contract for the three of us and a debut date and I just... I panicked. The stress caught up to me. I couldn’t unsee the way everyone had circles under their eyes that no amount of makeup could hide, the paper-thin skin and the empty bottles of soju. So I turned to Luhan, who would have been our manager, and told him that I couldn’t do it.”

“What’d they think of that?” Jongin asks then, head tilted downwards.

“It was the first time I said something about it. No one was expecting anything because, well, I’d never expressed any form of discontent before, never done anything to suggest that I wasn’t happy. But Luhan wasn’t surprised either. He just kind of nodded when I told him and sent me off to bed.” Kyungsoo clears his throat. “The two of us got called in for a lot of meetings. I didn’t say anything in them. I don’t know how he did it, but somehow Luhan got everything rearranged and they swapped me out for Minseok.”

“But you still debuted.”

Kyungsoo nods. “I still debuted. The contract I signed when I’d passed the auditions said that if I was selected to debut, I couldn’t turn it down. It was the best Luhan could do under that situation, and it was a lot more than I honestly deserved.” Kyungsoo turns to his left, where he can see Luhan trying to stall the fans and give him more time. “You’re not wrong, when you said that I’m not happy with what I have. I’m not. I cling to this twisted kind of stability because I don’t know how to do anything else.” He grimaces at Jongin. “I can’t want something.”

Jongin manages to latch onto what Kyungsoo isn’t saying. “But you do.”

“I do.” He exhales heavily, trying to let it out. “I want something so badly it hurts sometimes.”

“I mean,” Jongin ventures hesitantly, “you could. Have something, that is. With me. Um.” He clears his throat. “Hear me out on this. It’s just. You clearly hate what your life has become. You’re not doing anything to change it because you’re scared of change, and, well,” Jongin shifts from side to side, “you could just hold out until your contract ends. I’d wait for you, you know.” 

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo whispers, “but I can’t. I’m sorry that you got stuck with me as your soulmate.”

Jongin smiles, bittersweet. “I hope you make it out of here someday.”

He watches Jongin leave the room in silence. It’s one of the first civil conversations they’ve had.

 

**_February 28th, 08:13:59  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

Life goes on.

Kyungsoo has long since learnt how to go through the motions. His meals diminish in size slowly. He goes from meat to ramen to fruit to yogurt to a few bites of a granola bar every day. He starts taking longer showers at night, turns the water up full blast so that the steam fogs up the mirror and he won’t have to look himself, so that he might finally feel something other than this empty, gnawing feeling. Baekhyun and Jongdae and Minseok are fully booked for comeback stages and photoshoots and interviews and reality show appearances. Kyungsoo watches them from his laptop in his room. They look happy, he decides. This life suits them.

Luhan doesn’t push him for details or ask any questions, although he does give Kyungsoo some lotion when he comes out of the shower one night with red marks all over his torso. _It was the water,_ he says, even though the marks are too small and too distinctly shaped like fingernails to be anything else but scars from pinching himself. Luhan locks him out of the bathroom for a couple of days after that incident.

It’s strange, this aching, numb feeling within him. It’s not the first time he’s felt it, but it’s never been this strong. Nights spent curled underneath threadbare blankets for a few hours at a time, staring out of the car window watching for soon-to-be sunrises, limbs heavy with a mix of exhaustion and routine. He spends more time online, searching for articles of idol soulmates. One talks about two idols who were each other’s soulmates. Both of their groups were disbanded within a month. Kyungsoo bookmarks the article. He goes onto the Hongik University website. He reads about the graphic design program and tries to imagine Jongin sitting on one of those art stools, legs sticking out awkwardly from underneath the table. He exits that website pretty quickly.

It takes a couple more hours before Kyungsoo clears his browsing history and logs out.

 

**_March 2nd, 12:41:85  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

“Incredible,” the concept director mutters under his breath, pulling out his measuring tape. “You’ve lost an inch around your waist. Whatever diet you’re on, it’s working.”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and waits, standing with his hands raised upwards.

“He looks like he hasn’t eaten in weeks,” Luhan cuts in sharply, “that’s not attractive.”

The concept director shrugs. “He fits into the leather pants.”

Luhan leans up and raps his knuckles against Kyungsoo’s forehead lightly. “It sounds like I’m knocking on wood.”

“Jawlines and collarbones are always sexy.”

Kyungsoo watches Luhan’s eyes narrow.

“Both of those things are bones. You’re telling me that stripping away weight until you can see someone’s bones is sexy.” Luhan’s gesticulating wildly now, eyes alight. “I’m guessing you saw Minseok’s ribs the other day and thought that was sexy too?”

The concept director can only shrug again, and Luhan takes the opportunity to yank on Kyungsoo’s arm. 

“Let’s go.” He turns back to glare once more at the director, before slamming the door behind them.

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at Luhan. “That was unnecessarily dramatic.”

Luhan grins. “I know. I just wanted an excuse to slam the door.”

“You’ve been watching too many dramas.”

Luhan starts to smile again, before shaking his head and frowning. “I did mean the things I said though. You can’t keep going on like this.”

“Like what?” Kyungsoo asks, but Luhan’s glare is enough to tell him that the other isn’t falling for it.

“You know what I mean.” 

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I’m just not hungry anymore.”

“That’s a lie.” Luhan sighs. “I’m just worried, okay? I promised that I wouldn’t meddle with anything Jongin-related—and I haven’t, not really—but if this keeps happening I’m going to have to do something about it. I don’t want to have to do that.”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo swallows. “I know. Thanks.”

Luhan squints. “You seem to be saying that a lot now.”

But he lets the subject drop (not permanently—Kyungsoo knows better than that) and Kyungsoo sends a silent prayer in return.

 

**_March 16th, 09:13:27  
_** SM Entertainment Headquarters  
101-6 Cheongdam-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea 

To be fair, Luhan genuinely didn’t intervene, at least not directly.

And it’s not like Kyungsoo did anything to convince Luhan that an intervention wasn’t necessary.

(He’s long since lost his appetite by now.)

So when Minseok storms into his room late at night, Kyungsoo can’t say that he hasn’t exactly been expecting _something,_ although Minseok wasn’t really the person he’d had in mind.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

Kyungsoo turns around, eyebrows furrowed. “Um. What?”

Minseok crosses his arms. “Why do you keep pushing the guy away?”

Kyungsoo blinks, because woah. That was strong. And also woah, what the fuck. How does Minseok know anything?

“It’s not really any of your business—”

“It is if it involves Luhan!”

Kyungsoo’s lost. “What does this have to do with Luhan?” His mind buffers slowly before he realizes—

“Luhan told me.” Minseok says.

What the fuck? Why would Luhan tell Minseok? Kyungsoo feels a small burst of anger and shoots back, “He’s not involved either? I still don’t see how this has anything to do with you. Also? Why the fuck would Luhan tell you? It’s not like you’ve ever been nice to him before,” he spits out, “I have no idea how you know any of this, so please kindly fuck off—”

“Luhan’s my soulmate.” Minseok cuts in bluntly, and Kyungsoo feels himself physically stagger.

“What?”

Minseok opens his mouth to speak again, but Kyungsoo waves him off. “Wait.”

Luhan? And Minseok? Soulmates? In a sick, twisted way, Kyungsoo supposes it makes sense. Luhan’s been in the company far longer than he has. Minseok came in as a trainee sometime around the same time as he had, and—oh. Luhan had specifically requested that Minseok replace Kyungsoo in CBD.

Minseok rolls his eyes and pushes Kyungsoo’s hand away, saying, “You’ve been stressing him out for months now. He doesn’t show it, but he’s too caught up in your issues for his own damn good.”

“When did you find out?” Kyungsoo hears himself ask.

“Within the first week.” Minseok says, and Kyungsoo feels himself suck in a breath. Holy shit. His and Minseok’s training periods had been roughly the same, so four years. They’ve known for four years, and haven’t gotten caught.

“He’s too chicken to actually talk to you himself, so I’m doing it for him. Get your fucking act together,” Minseok hisses. “It’ll save everyone a lot of trouble.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Listen, I’m sorry that your own soulmate situation is complicated, but that doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do—”

“But you actually have a shot!” Minseok shouts, waving his hands around, before taking a deep breath. In a considerably calmer tone, he continues, “you never wanted to be an idol. Don’t deny it—everyone in this fucked up place can see it for themselves. Both Luhan and I want this life, so we’re stuck waiting until CBX disbands. But you can drop it anytime you want. Your contract is expiring soon right? It’s almost been eight years.”

“But I still—”

“It hurts him to see you like this, you know.” Minseok says quietly, “He won’t say it, but it does. You have what he can’t, yet you keep denying yourself it.”

Kyungsoo pauses, then nods hesitantly. It’s nowhere near enough of an answer, but Minseok takes it.

When the door closes behind him, Kyungsoo lets out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding.

 

**_March 29th, 02:54:91  
somewhere in the streets of Gangnam-gu, Seoul, South Korea_ **

No, it hadn’t been a great idea to get wasted at CBX’s album release party.

But that’s sober Kyungsoo talking, and free shots paired with Minseok glaring at him every now and then had been enough for sober Kyungsoo to say _fuck it_.

However, both sober and drunk Kyungsoo agree that staggering down the sidewalk by himself instead of taking one of the company vans home hadn’t been the greatest idea either, but it’s too late now.

If he tries hard enough, he can pretend that it’s twenty degrees warmer than it actually is and that he’s not slowly turning into a icicle in his suit, but before he can get that far, he feels himself falling off the sidewalk curb and onto the pavement.

“What the fuck?” he tries to say, but winds up going, “Fuck the what?”

“Woah. You okay?”

Mysterious Stranger reaches a hand down to help Kyungsoo back onto his feet. and Kyungsoo’s ready to take it before he looks up and Mysterious Stranger’s face swims into view. He watches those eyes widen, before—

“Kyungsoo? What are you doing out here?”

“I-I could ask you the same thing.”

“I’m visiting family,” Jongin says—because of course it’s Jongin—brushing his hair to the side.

“Isn’t your school in Hongdae?”

Jongin blinks. “What?”

“Never mind.” Kyungsoo says, squirming when he realizes that he’s still clutching Jongin’s hand.

Jongin’s brow wrinkles. “You’re drunk. Why are you drunk? It’s not safe to be out here by yourself, especially with you being who you are.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Where do you live? Wait, don’t answer that, I know.” Jongin pulls out his phone like Kyungsoo hasn’t spoken, only to put it away again. “But I don’t know how to get in. And you clearly aren’t going to be of any help.”

Something doesn’t feel right to Kyungsoo, but he doesn’t get the chance to say it.

Jongin squares his shoulders. “Okay, there’s no other option then.” He grabs Kyungsoo’s arm, tugging him down the street while muttering under his breath.

“Wh-where are you taking me?”

“Where do you think?” Jongin snaps, before sighing. “My place. You better hope no one’s awake, or else it’s going to be difficult to explain why I have an idol with a net worth of nine million USD holed up in my room.”

Kyungsoo’s about to argue that he doesn’t even know his own net worth, so how could Jongin possibly know, and that there’s no way he’s sleeping in Jongin’s room, but he doesn’t get the chance to.

Jongin sighs again, curses, and carries Kyungsoo the rest of the way.

 

**_March 29th, 10:31:87  
_** Jongin’s Family’s House  
somewhere in Seoul, South Korea 

The first thought in Kyungsoo’s head is that it is so, so bright. Who on earth actually keeps their curtains open? He certainly doesn’t.

Kyungsoo frowns and sits up, wincing when he ends up banging his head on the headboard. Okay, so this isn’t his room. Not only are the curtains open, but he doesn’t even have a headboard, plus those photographs on the wall definitely don’t look like him. He squints, willing his brain to catch up with his eyes and—oh. Okay. This is Jongin’s room. He’s in Jongin’s bed.

“You up yet?” Jongin pokes his head into the room, watching Kyungsoo stare wide-eyed at him. “Morning.”

Kyungsoo blinks.

Jongin clears his throat. “I texted Luhan and told him that you were here, so there’s no need to worry about that. I can get you back in twenty minutes or so but we’re going to have to find a way to sneak you out without the rest of my family noticing.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“ —Listen, I’m really sorry I wasn’t thinking straight last night because I forgot you had guards and could’ve just taken you back and explained the situation to them—”

Kyungsoo watches Jongin start to gesticulate wildly, waving his hands and nearly knocking the lamp off the side table. “Did you hear what I said? I mean, thanks for doing this—”

“—so I understand if you’re angry and stuff because this is completely my fault and it could’ve been avoided easily but—”

“Jongin. Jongin!” Kyungsoo cuts in, watching Jongin freeze and slowly turn to face him. “Can I say something?”

Someone knocks on the door, and both of them jump. “Jongin? You okay in there?”

Jongin looks between him and the door frantically, yelling, “I’m fine! I’m fine, just video calling someone! Nothing to worry about!”

“Okay, but try to keep it down!”

“Will do!” Jongin shouts, then glares at Kyungsoo and hits his shoulder. “You can’t do that! No one’s supposed to know you’re here!”

“Ow,” Kyungsoo grumbles, rubbing at his shoulder. “I was trying to say thank you.”

Jongin blinks. “For what?”

“Bringing me back here.” Kyungsoo scowls and looks down. “You didn’t need to do anything. I know I haven’t exactly been _nice_ to you, so it was just. Nice of you to do that.”

Jongin swallows tightly, and—why are his cheeks red?—scratches at the back of his neck, muttering, “It wasn’t a problem at all.”

Kyungsoo wants the ground to swallow him whole. It has been too quiet, for too long. Shouldn’t someone be saying something? Silences aren’t supposed to last this long.

“You ready to go? I can probably sneak you out the back door.” Jongin says.

Yeah, Kyungsoo could sneak out the back door and spend the next six months mindlessly preparing for his new album. He’ll probably get roped into cooking for Baekhyun and Jongdae again, or watch Luhan steal Junmyeon’s golf clubs in retaliation for telling another dumb joke. He’ll probably go on another diet, lose enough weight to sharpen his cheekbones and jawline, then gain it all back when it’s not comeback season. He’ll probably wind up signing another eight years of his life away to the industry. And then he’d do it all over again.

Or—

“My contract expires in six months,” he blurts out.

Jongin frowns. “Um? Good for you, I think.” He glances at the door. “But are you ready?”

Kyungsoo mentally slaps Jongin for forcing him to spell it out, then takes a deep breath and says, “You said that you’d wait for me?”

“I mean? Not for too long. We should get going soon—”

“I meant like,” Kyungsoo resists the urge to stomp his feet in frustration, “us. You said you’d be willing to wait for us—well, me—and there’s a date now. Six months. All that’s left is six months.”

Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to get it, a little breathlessly, adrenaline coursing. It’s thrilling, he decides, it’s scary and exciting and hopeful and goes against absolutely everything that the industry stands for, but then he sees Jongin’s eyes widen and a smile start to spread slowly across his face, and Kyungsoo thinks that maybe he’s worth it.

“You mean—!”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo breathes out, a little giddy, “if the offer still stands.”

“Yeah,” Jongin says, eyes shining, “yeah it does, oh my god, it definitely does it—six months? Okay. I can do six months. That’s easy. I can’t believe this is happening.” He looks a little flushed, a little proud, and Kyungsoo can’t help feeling a little bit in love.

“Jongin? What are you doing?” The same voice from before comes again.

Jongin looks at him, eyes comically wide, and Kyungsoo realizes that in his euphoria Jongin had knocked the books on his desk over.

“Nothing! It’s fine! Everything’s under control!”

“It doesn’t sound like it. Is it something similar to that time you sprained your wrist from trying to learn how to do the Grind On Me Challenge?”

Jongin frantically motions with his hands, mouthing something along the lines of: _Please don’t listen to her that was so long ago._

“Okay, I’m coming in!”

“No wait!” Jongin shouts, but it’s too late. The door opens to reveal the rest of Jongin’s family sitting in the living room (including the dogs), and what must be one of his older sisters at the door.

Silence.

“So,” Jongin clears his throat, “Kyungsoo, meet family. Family, meet soulmate?”

 

_six months later_

 

**[BREAKING]** SM Entertainment confirms that D.O. will terminate his contract

By Park Chanyeol, Senior Reporter _Wednesday, September 17th_

After four years, Do Kyungsoo (better known by his stage name D.O.) will be parting ways with SM, of which he has been with for the better half of eight years. SM has issued a statement with the following:

“Do Kyungsoo will not be renewing his contract with us. After his last album this month, he will be ending all solo activities and retiring from the entertainment scene entirely.”

We’re sad to see him go, but wish him the best of luck!

**Related:**

  * _Dispatch releases pictures of D.O. in public on multiple occasions with a mysterious man_
  * _CBX to comeback this December with a superhero/comic book inspired concept_
  * _D.O.’s former manager to reportedly transfer over to CBX_



**Author's Note:**

> **alternate epilogue:**
> 
> “hi jongin is this your boyfrienD HOLY FUCK CBX”  
>  _\- zitao, probably_  
>   
>  find me here: [cc](https://curiouscat.me/youth) \+ [twt](https://twitter.com/verdigy) \+ [carrd](https://haech.carrd.co)


End file.
